roadmap

i should know the way back so well,

that it is at the tips of my fingers,

since i've been here so many times,

... ... but no,

each time i stand at this end of the journey,

i am lost all over again

and i wonder how to find my way back.

wont you hold my hand and guild me

back to where happiness lives?

maybe you want to,

but i think,

we all have to find our own way back,

by ourselves.

get the roadmap!

don't get lost again!

silence

you know, all my life,

people tell me, 'you do this, you do that,

you cant do this, you cant do that.'

nobody really ask me how i feel inside.

i tell them to myself.

maybe its because they tried asking,

but in vein, so they gave up asking,

and soon, no one listens.

i talk to myself.

i hear other people talk,

i hear other people laugh,

its a world so silent to me,

i hardly hear my voice,

i hear them all the time,

because they talk to me.

i don't know how i feel,

every-time i feel sick inside,

i just hug my hippos,

they listen to me weep,

they dry my tears for me,

i find solace in their silence.

all these while,

i've forgotten how to tell you how i feel.

maybe it matters,

maybe it does not.

but i think it makes no difference,

i have long forgotten how to feel.

even if i do,

they are locked up in the dusty attics of my heart.

silence,

my silence,

they tell you everything,

everything you ought to know.

don't try to understand,

because neither do i.

eyeliner

because i was a little bored since my parents weren't home yet,

so i dug around for my mum's eyeliner,

which she used as a brow-liner instead,

but never-mind that.

i starting doing what a girl should do;

trying to put on some make-up,

and it was... ...

disastrous!

my hands failed to listen to my command,

and i draw incomplete lines,

that i had to re-do the fill the gaps in,

and the result was;

a thick rugged line above and below my lashes.

oh smoky eyes!

i look more like so demon than pretty girl.

but anyway, at least i could say,

i ever did tried putting on some eyeliner!

anyway, it was a hiccup of entertainment for me (:

dear God,

Dear God,

When I’m scared, will you hold my hand?

~ age 4

stumble over this prayer while i was doing a little image research on Google.

it makes me stop for a long long time.

there are many moments in life,

that we held on to our comfort blanket,

and we feared.

i was not exception.

i fear, constantly,

of many things.

as i grow older, i fear more,

and this fear eats into the faith that i should have in Him,

i began to lose sight of His almighty-ness.

this period of time,

its like those all over again.

its no longer fear of the dark like when i was little,

but the same fear of not doing well,

not meet up to expectations again.

not those set by those around me,

but my the me inside.

i am at the verge,

i realised worrying, fearing, is no solution.

i asked my preacher roomie one day,

'how do i have faith in Him?'

and her reply,

'throw away logic,

He works in ways,

man's logic can never fathom.'

i think that is the best advice given.

i'm throwing away logic,

and just trusting,

taking faith.

if you are in such weariness just like me,

throw away logic,

pick up faith!

pick up hope!

because,

EVERYTHING is possible in Him!

let Him hold your hands.

nerdy

ok, so the boyfriend's all packed up to battle his exams,

while i am here about to surrender to my grades,

that are to be released soon.

so the wait is long and i must as well do something that i like,

and its such irony, i realized.

social science, is a course about reading

and more reading, and endless readings,

that finishing them would be too faraway a price for most.

they never fail to make me wanna throw them out,

but guess what,

i'm so glued to reading now while i wait for love to finish his exams

that i have forgotten that TV used to be my best friend,

and Google and Facebook used to be an everyday guest.

i guess, at the end of the day, i love reading,

be it boring academic papers,

or long long biographies,

or must-read classics,

or interesting novels,

i love them all,

just the same.

***

talking about reading,

it reminds me that i wanna get a new pair of specs soon!

i'm wearing a half-brimmed black specs,

i think want to get a full-brimmed black specs.

nerdy to the max, but i believe,

i'll still look chic in them!

marshmallow

plain marshmallows,

chocolate-filled marshmallows,

grape flavoured marshmallows,

all these are the common flavours of marshmallows

that we can check out at the counter.

but, what about lemon-filled marshmallows?!?!

oishiiiiii!!!

i happened to chanced by a pack of

lemon-filled marshmallows

while shopping with Ms Jean at Muji today.

gosh! its awesome!

the light refreshing taste of lemon first tint my mouth

as my tongue twirl itself around the little sponge of joy,

then, with a light squeeze on the pale yellow marsh,

woots, lemon fillings oozed out and

floods my mouth with endless refreshing taste of lemon!

oh such divine lemon marshmallows!!!!

only for $1.90 at MUJI!!!

get them now!!!

fast-forward in time

yesterday, i had my plans changed 5-6 times, i was so pissed off, but thanks to my lovely one, he never fails to paint a beautiful smile on my face. because the person who has finished all her exams has the right to being a little high, a little less sane than normal, i was back to being my hysteric self once again. in the car on the way home, i think i must be too happy or something, i ended up singing ‘贺新年' like nobody's business. i know he doesn't like hearing it, because his exams aren't over yet and here i am fast-forwarding time to next year. but nonetheless, he still sang along to add into the fun. anyway, he seems to love the song more than me now and he is singing them even in the messages he send me! so here's the lyrics for you:

賀新年　祝新年　新年哪　年連年　爆竹聲聲催人想幼年 
賀新年　祝新年　新年哪　年連年　歲月悠悠光陰如箭 
回首往事如煙　痛苦辛酸　寄望從今萬事如願 
賀新年　祝新年　新年哪　年連年　願大家都過個太平年

you know, i think its just a Christmas thing for me. every time the Christmas bells begin to ring, i dream of lunar new year's coming, and i singing new year songs instead of Christmas carols.

hope-full

this is one word that is so powerful

that i need it so badly now!

i need so see some hope,

i am feeling so hope-less inside.

save me oh Lord,

help me to trust and keep faith in You,

Please!!!

learning.studying.holidays

it officially the end of my fateful year 3 semester 1. come to think of it, time flies.

learning... ...

company law, its so interesting to learn how companies function, learn about things that used to riddle my so non-business inclined brain like stocks, shares, charges, etc. i really love company law, its so interesting! company is no longer just a term i would think of like before anymore. it has become more like a new friend to me.

ethics was challenging, so brain-teasing it makes me want to pull out my hair and cry. its just so weird to start thinking about ethical dilemmas when i am day-dreaming. i dont think i really like ethics so much, but it just surprises me how they suddenly come into my mind and steal a moment of my time to ponder about them.

trade law, the first half was full of learning new knowledge about private international law, but the second, i think it was a waste of time.

technology and world change, well its a university core. i still dont understand why do i have to study it even till now that i am done with the module. but i think it helps me to understand how the world progressed and function over its long history.

studying... ...

studying, its such a chore, but pasting post-it notes to flag my notes and articles like crazy definitely added a tint of colour to the grey studying routines.

at the end of the day, which student wont want their effort to mark up to the grades they get?

holidays... ...

hello holidays!!! i am in such a love-hate relationship with you! i love you because you mean freedom, but i hate you because, you make me waste time like water running from the tap.

this might just be a longest winter holiday that i am having, but i am not going to look for an internship to keep myself occupied. all i want to do, is spend lots of time here with the people who love me, and whom i love, doing crazy yet memorable stuff together and treasuring every moment i can spend with them now.

actually, i love learning, its so fun, provided its without the studying.

your smile

these few days,

blue is the colour of the air we breathe in.

quietness is the language we speak in.

i forgot how your smile looked like,

i forgot how i felt so fuzzy in your arms,

i looked at the photos that fills my album,

i see you smile again,

i see myself smile again,

bolted back into reality,

purple is the colour that fills my air,

its red, mixed with blue.

uncertainty is the language we speak.

i want to see you smile again,

i want to smile again.