words - double edged sword

communication, 

it takes lots of learning and discovering,

to say words that help that make, and not break a person. 

below is a copied-over post from Jovena's blog. 

i thought it comes in as a good advice or reminder on how to speak with wisdom. 

for more details, click here : http://www.successmethods.org/criticism.html

The importance of Constructive Criticism

When criticizing someone, get right to the point and tell him specifically what his undesirable behavior is. If you don’t tell him exactly what he must work on, he may not be able to correct his behaviour. And making sure he understands why you are criticizing him is the most important step in learning to criticize constructively.

Criticize Only When Necessary

If you criticize a person too much, the purpose behind your criticism will be lost. The effectiveness of your criticism may be weakened when it is overused, and the other person may begin to resent you if you don’t give him time to change. Only criticize when you feel it is necessary. If there are several undesirable behaviours you want the other person to change, criticize only one at a time.

Never Say “Never” Or “Always”

Words like “never” and “always” tend to put people on the defensive when they’re used to describe their behaviors. The word “always” gives people the impression that their faults are constantly noticed and more obvious than they actually are. “Usually” or “sometimes” are better words for describing people’s behaviors and shouldn’t put them on the defensive. The word “Never” is often used in place of “seldom.” There is a big difference between “seldom” and “never,” and people will often resent the word “never” when it is used to describe their behaviors. People will always react less defensively to the words “usually” and “seldom.”

Don’t Add Humor To Your Criticism

It may be funny to you to joke about people’s faults but people feel you are making fun of them when you do. If you don’t criticize people’s behaviors seriously, you can’t expect them to consider seriously changing those behaviors.

Comparison Can Create Resentment

Comparing one person to another unfavorably will cause that person to resent you. Try not to make any type of comparison that will put a person down. Comparisons that make a person look good have the opposite effect.

Criticize A Person At The Time Of The Act

The best time to criticize someone is right after the unfavorable act is committed. If you are unable to correct a person’s actions as they are committed, do so later when you’re alone with that person and you can discuss the situation openly.

Begin with Sincere Praise and Admiration

Everyone needs recognition of their strong points, as well as criticism of their faults. Begin your criticism by defining a person’s strengths. Let him know how he pleases you and how much his actions mean to you. Then tell him that despite his strong points, there is one behavior you think he ought to change. After discussing his unfavorable behavior, end the conversation with more praise and admiration for his strengths.

Give A Person Expectations To Live Up To, Not A Reputation To Live Down

Always give people expectations to live up to, not negative reputations to live down. This is an excellent way to motivate people to work for you. Give people standards to work up to. Establish high standards, and they will work up to them. Constructively tell people what you know they can achieve. Your confidence in them increases their confidence in themselves. The expectations you place on others will be realized by them. If you tell someone what you want him to do and then say, “I don’t know if you can do it,” he probably won’t do it.

If you tell him, “I know you can do it,” he will live up to your expectations. Here are some phrases you can use: “I know I can count on you to do well because…”, “I know you can do a great job because you are so good at what you do.” An expectation with praise works wonderfully.

Don’t Get Angry

Other people don’t frustrate and anger you, you do that to yourself. Losing your temper with another person will always hurt you, not him. Anger and frustration will never solve your problems, reasoning and logic will. Don’t let personal feeling and resentment get in your way.

Point Out A Person’s Mistakes Indirectly

Don’t point a finger at anyone or openly blame anyone for making a mistake. Use vague questions to get the other person to tell you what has happened and what they have done. This alleviates any resentment they would feel if accusations were made incorrectly. Don’t make remarks about personal abilities, intelligence, etc. – even if the mistake was caused by the other person.

Listen To The Other Person’s Story

With a few good questions, the other person will tell you everything you want to know. As the person is telling you his side of the story, use questions to help him realize what he has done. He should be able to uncover the true cause for his mistakes. Once you and he understand the true cause, a remedy can be sought.

Know Exactly What You Are Dealing With

Try to find out as much as you can about the situation. If you are at fault, the other person may not know how to tell you. The only way you will be able to solve a problem is if you know exactly what has happened. Ask yourself questions, and see if you can answer them. Put yourself in the other person’s position and visualize the situation from his point of view. Look at all of the facts carefully and objectively.

Tell The Other Person What He Must Hear

Don’t tell the other person what he wants to hear, tell him what he must hear. If you think he should be told something, tell him. When you tell someone what he must hear, tell it to him in a positive, constructive way so that he will benefit from your honesty.

Admit Your Mistakes

When you admit your own mistakes, people more readily accept you pointing out their errors. Telling others that you have made the same mistakes they have, and that you will help them by showing them how you remedied similar situations, makes them feel better about their own lot. Tell them, “I’ve made that same mistake many times, I know how it feels. I’ll show you how I solved the same problem.”

Make Them See The Problem Without Pointing The Finger

You don’t have to point a finger at someone to get a problem solved. Have a conference with the person with whom you are experiencing problems. Tell him your problem without mentioning any names or specifically saying who you are talking about. This type of criticism is so indirect that, in many cases it alone solves the problem. It causes the other person to realize the problem and solve it for you.

How To Punish

You must only punish people to a degree relative to the wrongdoing. If you go overboard, people you punish will resent you. But if you don’t punish people for the wrong they do you, they will take advantage of you.The best way to punish someone is to have the other person set the punishment. Ask the other person what should be done to him because of what he has done.Most of the time, the person will give himself a more severe punishment that you would have. In this case, lower the sentence. He will look upon you favorably for it.

If a person names a punishment for himself that is too weak to suit his wrongdoing, say “I’m sorry, but that is not what I had in mind. I think that… is fair.”

End Your Criticism With Praise And Admiration

It is important for a person to know that you are criticizing him to help him. You must restore his self-esteem. When you’ve finished your criticism, tell him how much you appreciate his strong points.

Improving Other People’s Actions

People increase or decrease their actions depending upon how others react to them. Praise is a strong reward. The best way to get people to do what you want them to is to praise them for their progress. By rewarding them with praise for their improvements, you will get better results from them.

Criticize Again, If Necessary

You may have to speak to a person more than once if there has been very little improvement in his behavior. If you speak to him a second time, you must be harder on him. If you have to speak to him more than two or three times, you must review your criticizing skills (or their listening skills!). Again, be sure that you don’t criticize a person for a behavior that he cannot change.