my mother

my mother, 

she is always so lenient with those that comes under her charge, 

but when it comes to me, 

she is always so strict. 

to me, 

she is a conservative woman, 

always so stingy when it comes to giving praises. 

her yard was always so high up above there,

i thought i could reach it, 

if i put in more effort, 

and even more effort. 

than after many years, 

i thought i could never reach. 

i could never reach it. 

long has been the time,

the moment i told myself, 

i've given up on trying to jump to reach for that yard. 

though i still continued to listen to her, 

i have decided to strive for the standard i set for myself.

something that i thought would be lower, 

within reach.

then,

today, 

she made this comment, 

'i think in terms of popularity, you beat me.'

she was referring to church, 

please do not think of popularity in its usual meaning,

but understand that it means, 

more people looking me up to serve in this ministry or that. 

she said;

'you are popular among the children, 

and the older people.'

and finally she said;

'i'm so proud of you, 

and i hope you continue to do so.'

honestly,

this is my first time, 

i heard her singing praises of me, 

truly from the depths of her heart. 

you will never understand how intense that joy was.

i was struck for a long moment,

i still do care about meeting her standards.
it was just this recognition that i needed from her,
just to prove my worthiness,
just to make me feel whole,
complete.

now,

as i replay the conversation over and over,

savouring it in my mind, 

i realised, 

when i lived by that standard of mine, 

that i set according to how i understood i ought to

to Love my Creator, 

i've set a benchmark, 

so high, 

even higher than my mother's

that i think, 

there will never be a day, 

i'll say to myself, 

'this is good enough'

because what i can give You, 

will never be good enough. 

but my mother, 

being the cute mother that i've always known, 

she added this: 

'长江后浪堆前浪， 

但是在主里， 

我的浪还是很高的！'